Is this how He feels?

The last 24-30 hours have been particularly challenging for me. Peanut has been waking up to eat every 2 hours (or less), and she will get so upset, that she won't eat very well. She doesn't eat enough, then she'll have a hard time sleeping, and wake up before she has slept enough. When she wakes up, she's hungry, and the cycle continues. 

As I sat with our baby girl this morning, and she wouldn't stop crying, and she wouldn't nurse, I couldn't help but cry along with her. We were quite the pair. She's screaming, and I'm bawling. I finally gave up on trying to nurse her and started making a bottle. I just wanted her to have what she needed. 

I watched her get stuck in this cycle - the cycle of not eating and sleeping enough, and I saw how difficult it has been for her to get out of it. She can't do anything on her own right now, and God has entrusted me with this role to help discern what she needs, and try to help her get it. But what do I do when she won't take what I know she needs, what I know her body is desperate for?

What did I do? I started making the bottle. Then I prayed, out loud. I told Peanut that we were going to pray because the Lord loves her more than I do, and He knows what she needs. She kept screaming, and I kept crying. When she finally drank the bottle, I called a friend who loves newborns, loves Jesus and is a lactation consultant by profession. 

Would it be an overstatement to call this friend a lifesaver? I don't think so.

My friend talked through what was going on with our little girl, and then prayed for me and for her, and helped me determine a good course of action for the next day. No more nursing for the day. I'm going to give her bottles, help her settle down, and we'll try again tomorrow. 

One of the first nights that we came home from the hospital with Peanut was similar to today. I remember that Adam prayed, "Lord, help us remember that we are as needy for You as our little girl is for us." This morning as I watched my little one refuse the thing that I knew she needed - the good food that would give her health, comfort, sustenance and nourishment - I wondered if that's a little bit how the Lord feels with me sometimes.

He knows what is best for me and He promises that He will provide. (Philippians 4:19) He knows that I am like a sheep, gone astray and wondering my own way. (Isaiah 53:5) He watches me when I try to turn to other things to meet the needs He created me with, instead of trusting Him to meet them the way He said He would, and the way that's best for me.

I will fall short in parenting - I already have and I will in the future. But God is the perfect Father, He is the perfect parent. As much as I long for Peanut to eat that which is best for her little body, it pales in comparison to how much the Lord longs for each one of us to come to Him for life. He is living water, He is the bread of life, He is that which will sustain us , and He will never forget about us. (John 4:13-14, 6:35, Isaiah 46:4 Hebrews 13:5) He knows that I was headed down a road towards an eternity apart from Him, and He graciously intervened by sending Christ to die on the cross, so that I might have the choice to spend eternity with Him.

Somehow, by His grace alone, I made a decision nearly 16 years ago to accept this free gift, the same gift He offers to each of us. Yet I still make daily decisions to turn from Him, and go my own way. None of these choices affect my eternal destiny, as I am secure in His hand. (John 10:27-29) But I, like our little girl, refuse that which is best for me, from my Parent who loves me more than I can imagine. 

But, unlike Peanut, I know better. What a good reminder that I am in need of His grace, every day.

One Month

Happy One Month, Peanut!! 

You have had such a big month, and we are so grateful for each day we have with you. This week,

...you got your first flowers! Your dad brought these yellow daisies to you on your one month birthday. So now, when some boy brings you flowers one day to try to get a date with you, you can say, "Please. My dad has been bringing flowers to me since I was a month old. What else you got?"

...you spent some time on your tummy. You didn't like it too much.

...you met your friend, Banner. Before you had a name, Banner's mom called you "BBFF" - Banner's Best Friend Forever. Banner was supposed to come 5 days before you, but she came 3 weeks early, and you came 10 days late, so you guys are 5 weeks apart. You guys both clearly loved each other from the moment you met.

...you had your first real bath. You actually loved it way more than we expected, given the trauma that sponge baths were to you.

...you spent more time with your Dad. No one cares for you like he does, and no one calms you like he does either.

...you went on a walk with Honey. I think it will be the first of many. You can't imagine how much joy you bring to her!

...you showed us your left jab. How did you get such cute little fists?

...3 generations of moms and daughters got together. No one knows where those blue eyes came from, and I don't think they will stay that way. No matter what color your eyes are, you are fearfully and wonderfully made, sweet girl.

...the moby wrap has become your favorite place to snuggle and sleep. (other than Dad's chest of course)

...you got lots more kisses from Mom and Dad!

...you gained 8.5 ounces, officially outgrowing the outfit we brought you home from the hospital in! (sniff, sniff) Dad bought you this outfit the day after we found out about you, when only he and I knew about you. We're so proud of you for growing so well!

...our little family of 3 had a wonderful weekend together. We love you more than we can say!

Rough Places

Happy 3 weeks to our little girl!

I love this picture! Peanut's smile looks a little mischievious, like she knows about a surprise she can't wait to share. Or, she has gas.

We don't see these beautiful eyes open too often these days. She seems to be sleeping, eating and crying most of the time, and so her eyes are closed a lot. But, when she is awake and content, I try to grab my camera to capture some of her funny faces. 

Despite the joy of the last 3+ weeks of having her at home with us, the last few days have been rough for me. I'm not sure why, but she has been especially fussy, and it has made for some long nights for both Adam and me. I wouldn't trade this time for anything, but it has been hard. 

In the past, there are certain things I would do in the midst of challenging situations to get through them. Maybe go on a run, have coffee with a friend, call someone to chat, wake up early for a good, long quiet time, take a nap, or spend some uninterrupted time with Adam and be reminded of what God's word says. 

Having a newborn at home has changed all of that. 

These days, I feel really excited when I have 30 minutes to take a shower. I'm not complaining, but adjusting to this new lifestyle is taking some well, adjustment. And I think I am beginning to feel the effects of that.

At some point this weekend, probably in the middle of the night, I remembered a verse that I love - Isaiah 42:16:

"I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, 
along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; 
I will turn the darkness into light before them

and make the rough places smooth.

These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them."

If there has ever been a time I have felt blind, walking down an unfamiliar path, this is it. I adore my baby, but there have been rough places along the road of caring for her, and going from a family of 2 to a family of 3. And I know that there will be many rough places ahead on this journey of parenting, and marriage for that matter. But what a comfort to know that the Lord who made our little girl and who made me will lead me and guide me, and will not forsake me along the way.

And, how comforting to know that the Lord is the one who will be faithful to lead and guide Peanut as well. Adam and I aren't doing this on our own. I'm certain that she's walking an unfamiliar path as well, and these same words are true for her.

Some of the highlights of Peanut's third week...

Walking around White Rock Lake, snug as a bug

 

Experiencing the blessedly brief "mustache March." I say why mess up such a good-looking face with a 'stache like that? ;)

 

...I don't think Peanut minded it.

She also got to finish meeting her aunts, uncles and cousins this week - my brother and Adam's older brother, sister-in-law and their 1 year old all came in town to visit. It was so fun having them all here. More pictures from that later. 

We love you, sweet girl. You continue to melt our hearts when you do the smallest thing - the way you stretch your arms above your head when we're trying to wake you up, the funny noises you make, the way your eyes get so small when you're crying, the extremely advanced neck muscles that we think you have, and the cute little squeaks you make when you yawn and hiccup. 

We are grateful for you, and wouldn't trade this road for anything, even if it is a little rough at times.