I moved into this apartment when we got home from our honeymoon. Adam had lived here for a few years, and our plan was to finish out his lease, then look for a place of our own. But God had a different plan for us, and we found out we were going to be a family of three, so we decided to stay.
Last night Adam and I talked about some of the memories that stand out to each of us about our time here in #3310. Adam reminded that I had said this place didn't feel like home to me, and I had grumbled about staying here. He was right, I did say that...and I regret that because home will never be defined by the walls of a house or an apartment. My earthly home is with my husband and our daughter, wherever that is. I wish that I recognized that my longings to be settled, to nest, to have a place to call my own will never be fully satisfied here. I am made for something more...it's the part of me that longs to be with my Savior. But instead of trusting God to be present in the discomfort of my discontent, I try to control my circumstances, then get all out of sorts when I realize I can't. I try to be comfortable, and to make things comfortable for my family.
I know there's nothing wrong with making a home for my family - we're looking to buy a house right now, and I can promise you that I'll spend plenty of time, energy and probably money (within a budget, of course!) on making it feel warm, inviting, organized, clean (on the good days), and representative of our family.
But I get in trouble when I start to believe that I can't be ok without those things.
We haven't found a house yet, and so our temporary plan is to stay with our generous, gracious families until we do. What a gift for us...that we have that luxury of having family both here and in Enid. But that means I don't get to be the one in 'control'...which I'm realizing is probably the best place for me to be.
Back to processing leaving our little apartment at 3310...I just put Erin down to bed. I had the privilege of reading her bedtime stories, praying for her and putting her down tonight. That's usually Adam's job, but he's at a meeting tonight. (btw, I must have done something different because she rarely fusses when Adam puts her down but she cried and screamed and is still awake in there...)
I held her in my arms and rocked her, and told her through tears that this was her last night here, and told her all about how God is moving us somewhere different. {Before you get too Norman-Rockwell-ish of a picture in your mind, I could barely hold onto that girl because she squirms so much and does not care to cuddle, and threw a fit when I took the book away from her so we could have this special moment...she got the book back. I caved. Nevertheless..}
I know that she feels the change in the air in our home, so I keep telling her to remember what Jesus tells us... "I will never leave you." (Heb 13:5) I tell her that Mommy and Daddy are going with her to a new place, and it may be scary and different and unknown, but we'll be together, and we have so much to be thankful for, and we are confident that God is clearly leading us there.
And then I realized that I'm talking more to myself than to her.
It's been a battle for me to sit down and spend time with the Lord the last few weeks. When I read the Bible, it's been a challenge to think too deeply about it, and I don't have some great depth of spiritual insight to share. But I think it's in these moments that the simple truths have the most meaning to me...and are the hardest to believe.
I heard a Matt Redman song on the radio today that struck me to the core. The chorus is
Never once did we ever walk alone
Carried by Your constant grace; Held within Your perfect peace...
Never once did we ever walk alone; Never once did You leave us on our own - You are faithful, God, You are faithful
Every step we are breathing in Your grace
Evermore we’ll be breathing out Your praise
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
Carried by Your constant grace; Held within Your perfect peace...
Never once did we ever walk alone; Never once did You leave us on our own - You are faithful, God, You are faithful
Every step we are breathing in Your grace
Evermore we’ll be breathing out Your praise
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
The song is about looking back and realizing that even though circumstances were really hard at times, GOD. IS. FAITHFUL. Always. He's not just faithful when I get what I'm praying for. He's not just faithful when people are saved, healed and cared for. He's faithful in all those times, but he's also faithful when things happen that I didn't expect or that I wouldn't have chosen or that I didn't plan for or that bring pain, hurt and sadness into my life or into the lives of those I love.
I cannot even begin to quantify how much God has poured out His grace in my life. It is impossible for me to look at my life and not see His hand in it. He gave me the incredible gift of being born into an amazing family, with loving parents who introduced us to the Lord, and an older brother whom I adore. My parents provided us with food, clothing and shelter in abundance, and have been great examples to me. I have an incredible education, and most importantly, God saved me and gives me grace to follow Him. I have great friends, a husband who I don't deserve and loves me even when I'm crazy, and a PRECIOUS baby girl. {Insert recent picture of her brilliance here...that's right...she's standing all by herself. She's excited about it.}
Is God with me? Sure, He's with me all the time because He's everywhere - that's the right answer. But I haven't been believing that, and what that means.
Not only is He always with me...that is everything. HE. IS. ENOUGH. I can trust Him...and I can live like I trust Him. So He is available to me every time that I cry because I miss someone here in Dallas so much it hurts, every time that I get frustrated or confused or lost in a new place, every time I feel overwhelmed with taking care of Peanut, every time I feel lonely even though I'm never alone.
Never once did I ever walk alone, and never once will I ever walk alone. And for that, I am thankful.
Some of Adam's and my favorite memories of 3310...
- sitting on the floor at midnight the night we got back from our honeymoon opening wedding gifts that my sweet parents had delivered here while we were gone
- taking the {2} pregnancy tests to confirm that God was bringing Erin into this world!
- my 30th birthday Adam woke me up with gifts, cards, and pancakes shaped into a 30
- Adam painting what would become Erin's room; Adam putting together her dresser, her crib, or hanging things on the wall. It's such a turn-on when he's fixing things {Reason #236 I'm excited about buying a house with this man.}
- Hosting friends and family here...especially when our little place felt small because of how many people, kids, babies or dogs were here.
- Running and walking and biking out our back door to White Rock Lake
- Bringing Erin home here...and the second night we were here with her she was screaming, I was crying and Adam was googling, "How to make a baby stop crying". Oh, parenting.
- Celebrating our first Christmas here
- Learning how to communicate with each other...usually the best lessons were learned when we did it wrong. Learning how to ask forgiveness from each other and to generously give it.
- Making the decision to move to Enid...and all the conversations that led to that.
It's easy to be thankful tonight. I genuinely cannot wait to see what God has planned for our family...and no matter what it is, I trust His character - His goodness and His faithfulness - that whatever happens, He wants to use it to draw me closer to Him.
P.S. One more cutie pic...I love this picture because you can see how I've put blankets and toys down in the entryway into our apartment for Erin to crawl on and play with. I have loved watching her grow from a Peanut who couldn't even hold her head up to a punkin who likes to scoot all over the place!
